NOIRELLA

Is the Soft Life a Hard No?

By Nia Dumas

Tik Tok has slowly become an app of repetition. Sometimes, as I scroll, I see people going viral for the same exact ideas and trends, whether that be fashion trends or majorette style dancing. Lately, the most common trend I’ve seen has been the “soft girl” lifestyle.

This derives from the “Black women in luxury” trend, which has gained popularity on Twitter and Tik Tok. This was highly received by black women, myself included. It was nice to see black women living  luxurious lifestyles, taking trips out of the country, buying Telfar bags and just simply relaxing. If you base your idea of what a black woman’s lifestyle is off what you see in the media, it will have you thinking that it is a life of poverty and “struggle love.” Struggle love is the idea that, as women, we have to go through several heartaches and headaches for the possibility of having true love. TikTok has given people a way to put an aesthetic spin on almost everything, which strips it of its original intention. The trend slowly became people propping up their cameras to show them doing basic everyday tasks like making their bed or brushing their teeth.

I believe this isn’t a realistic or transparent look into everyday life. Sometimes I have days where I do not make my bed or do my full skin routine at all. So does that mean I don’t deserve nice and luxurious things? 

It’s also important to examine the correlation between privilege and the “soft” life. As a recent 22-year-old college graduate, certain things are just not feasible for me. If I have to choose between a white silk robe or my light bill, I’m going to pick the latter. 

Social media has made the idea of a “luxurious” or “soft” lifestyle more inclusive for black women by giving it more visibility. 

Growing up and being described as “low-income” made it hard to feel as though that lifestyle was within my grasp. Are luxurious and soft synonyms with expensive? Or is it the way you choose to live? 

As a black woman, sometimes I find it hard to be vulnerable. I always had to work extremely hard to get where I wanted and, as I got older, that trait only intensified. Some might describe me as hyper-independent, but this is not by choice, it’s simply how I was raised.

In a podcast by Amanda Seales, comedian and social commentator, “Small Doses: the Side Effects of Choosing Softness,” she discusses having to navigate softness within her womanhood: “As black women we often don’t get to exist in softness, in order to get what we need done.” said Seales. So, rather than viewing softness as something that makes you more deserving of a fulfilling lifestyle and a healthy relationship, Seales views it as a characteristic black women may possess due to how society views and treats us. Oftentimes we have to be the loudest in the room because we are so used to being unheard and unprotected.

Being a black woman is extremely nuanced and influences how we navigate the world. 

A lot of women use soft when describing romantic relationships and when trying to gain a luxurious lifestyle. Since the new year started, there have been several posts of people stating “I am manifesting a soft girl lifestyle” or “I am in my soft era” and there will be a photo attached to it of a man holding their hand. 

Some traits that are attached to this “soft girl era” are women who don’t talk a lot, especially not loudly, women who don’t go out or drink heavily but most of all who are submissive. All in an effort to be deemed more desirable by the male gaze. 

As poplularity for the “soft girl” aesthetic rises it has sparked conversations between men and women. However, these conversations only seem to emphasize what characteristics women lack. Women who are more assertive and uphold confidence that goes beyond just appearance are deemed as masculine and dominant thus, seen as less desirable and more deserving of a soft girl lifestyle. 

I think the fault of black women not being able to obtain the soft life they may so often desire, is put onto women–when other factors such as capitalism and misogyny are to blame. As a lower-class black woman, I have to fight for equal pay, reproductive freedom and constantly being put in places where I have to defend and protect my humanity. Why would I care to argue with my partner about my needs when life is troublesome enough?

When entering a relationship is your partner creating an environment in which you can exist in softness? In my opinion, when your partner respects you intellectually, emotionally feeds you and desires you in the romantic and sexual sense, a certain amount of “submissiveness” will come naturally because your needs are being catered to. 

Ultimately softness is more than being submissive, taking spa days, or being a soft spoken girl. Furthermore, softness can be defined as being kind to yourself and your body no matter what that may look like for you. Whether that is a spa day or having a girls night out. 

As I delve deeper in my journey of self love, womanhood and my career, I found myself reevaluating things that are important to who I am as my experience as black woman. So far is what I have learned: 

Leave a comment